Blog 43 More about Joanne and Reality Bites

Scan0014  (Reality Bites)

         Another time, Joanne and I went to an animal park just to see a concert from Helen Reddy. I did not even know she liked Helen Reddy. We found ourselves in each others arms and just taking in all the beautiful ballads and holding each other.  

(A very special surprise party)

          In all my life, I played down my Birthday. Other than family gatherings and a Birthday party in the fifth grade, my Birthday usually was like any other day. In March of 1985, Joanne took me out to dinner to celebrate. But, when we returned to her house and stepped in, a blast of “SURPRISE!” blurted out so loud to me that I felt all my hair fly back from all the blowing voices! 

          I truly had no ideal that this was planned and everyone involved were very good about keeping it secret. It was my 25th Birthday, and it has never been beaten again. That day was so special and that,(pardon the pun), placed the icing on the cake…… I was in love! But, in order to know how she really felt about me, I had to tell her about my early past and that I had been with guys.

(Telling Joanne a partial truth.)

          I had talked to my black friend about what happened to me when I was young. She was the only other person, at that time, that I let into my past. Until then, I never talked about it. 

          Joanne and I were at my apartment, and we were talking about our future. I took this chance to tell her just the early part of my past, and the true reason she and me never got intimate. I did not tell her everything. Just enough to know if she could accept it. Joanne took my hand and said that all would be well and that it helped her understand me. For about an hour, we just sat on my couch in front of a window with a cool breeze coming through it.

          So, that day we knew we wanted to get married. Since it was no surprise, we actually set up the proposal time and I let her come with me to get the REAL engagement ring and wedding set that she wanted. I wanted it to be special, but not surprising. 

        On May 17th, at exactly 8:17 pm, on the beach as the sun was setting, I got on one knee and asked her to marry me. She obviously accepted. The date and times were deliberate. We had chosen a marriage date of August (the 8th month) on the 17th at 5:17pm. That time indicating the date that I asked her. This was still 1985. We walked the beach, already planning our wedding. I wanted her to choose everything, but she insisted we do it together.

(Here is where things began to go wrong.)

          Our church insisted that we have three months of marriage counseling, knowledge of how we were doing the ceremony, and a few other things before we could get married there. I guess this was God opening our eyes. The counseling got me seeing that I was not being right about keeping more of my past from her. We never talked about when and how many children we were going to have, were we going to come to Dallas when I got out of the Navy, and things like that. Boy, were we very different about those things.

          After Joanne and I finished planning our ceremony, she began wanting to change things. She would say, “My Mother thinks, or my Grandmother thinks that we should do this or take out that, or change our colors, or the songs were wrong, and more. At first, I gave in, but the more it happened, I realized that the things that were being changed were MY ideas or choices. (Who was I marrying, Joanne or her entire female relatives? I stood firm on my song and the colors my Best Man and Groomsmen were going to wear!)

          Even with that going on, I was having horrible nightmares because I did not tell Joanne the full truth about me. My mother flew in from Dallas to help me do my part of the wedding. She came a month early. I had work changes going on at work that began tying my time. When the marriage announcements came in, we needed to get them out. We decided that we would write the invitations together on a Friday night, on Monday we were to mail them all together. That weekend I had to be on call, so that is why we stretched the time.

           However, on that Sunday, I was in the choir looking at the row of my mother, Joanne, her mother and her grandmother looking back at me. God was scrambling my brain during the entire service. When it came time for the invitation, I fell to my seat and began crying. I could not stop. Knowing that over 1000 people were looking at me in the choir loft crying, I knew I had to explain to myself to Joanne. I asked everyone to give Joanne and me a chance to talk. Right there in the church sanctuary I called off the wedding! I knew that this was the best time to call it off because the invitations were going out the next day. I was wrong! Joanne sent here half of the invitations on Saturday! So, her half went out and mine did not.

          I took full blame for everything. The next week everyone were walking on eggshells around me at work. I went into deep depression. What was wrong with me? Why could I not go through with it?  Why was I so different and could not get away from my past? Why was God doing this to me? Going to church started becoming harder for me to do my job, though I had support from many people. I could not handle the pressures and stepped down from my position and began going to another church. I WAS IN A HUGE DOWNHILL SPIRAL. I was not at peace with myself so I stopped going to church altogether. 

(Joanne, I know you will read this, and I hope you see that it was me. You found the perfect husband God had for you and I know you would not change your life now and I know you are quite proud of the family you were meant to be the mother for life.)

• 26th Jul 2018
• mylife
• 2 Comments
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