Blog 61 More of My Bizarre Exam Stories

(Proof that medical fields have bizarre days)

I was in my thirties in the 1990’s. I traveled all over the United States. I was being asked back to hospitals that trusted my work. The best part was that my clients paid for almost everything. I could use my money to buy collector items. Every place I went I bought coffee mugs and sometime, things related to the Mallard duck.

More funny stories happened in the nineties. Here are a few of my favorites and a few that were sad.

I was on call for many hospitals for emergency studies while I was in Dallas. Ironically, most of these stories happened at the same hospital. The vaginal probe on the machine was just beginning to be useful. It was, and still is, primarily used for looking at the female organs, vaginal bleeding, and cysts in the ovaries. It could ,also, get a closer look at the uterus for early pregnancies and uterine problems. Being a male, I always had to have an escort in the room.

One night, I did a pelvic study that the radiologist changed to a vaginal probe. The radiologist and I did not get along for some reason, and when SHE was the one on duty with me, I knew something was bound to happen.

I got the patient ready and went and told her that we were ready. She came in the room and looked around and said,”Where is your female escort?” Confused , I responded,”I do not need one because you are a woman!”, in which she replied, ” I am a doctor, I am not your female! CALL ME WHEN YOU GET YOUR ESCORT!” Then she bolted out the door. I leaned over to the patient and whispered, “I have often wondered what was between her legs!” It took over thirty minutes to find an available nurse to get there since it was after midnight.

(coincidentally)

One day, when I worked the day in ultrasound, I got an emergency trans-vaginal study on the uterus. It just so happened that I had a female student with me. When she arrived, I realized that she was the nurse that finally helped me the night of the previous story. She was about five foot and four inches, but was rather plump. My student stayed as my escort.

As I have mentioned in another blog, we kept the probe in jar full of cleaning solution, and used condoms over the probe for the patient’s protection. When the doctor came in, I inserted the probe and began the study. But, the patient was so big that I practically had to insert my entire hand. After we finished, I pulled the probe out and immediately realized that the condom was missing.

I quickly put the probe behind my back until the doctor left the room. I then exclaimed to the patient that the condom was still inside her and I needed to get it. She agreed, and (try to visualize this) I had to spread open the butt cheeks with my hand and I saw the condom partially hanging out. I grabbed it and started pulling it out and it made a suction sound the entire time. Happily, the rubber band came with it and all was fine.

(The most confusing ultrasound I had ever done)

I had another emergency pelvic study to do at this same hospital one night. It was for the most confusing reason that I had ever heard. A woman came in the emergency room with PURPLE vaginal discharge. As I did the study, nothing out of the ordinary was appearing. I was almost finished with the study when the Radiologist and the emergency doctor came in the room and stated that I could stop the study.

The radiologist said that the culture of the discharge had returned and that she did not tell them the entire truth. The patient said that she did not understand. She noted that she had been to her doctor complaining of pain during and after sex. The patient said that her doctor told her she was probably dry in her canal and needed to try a gel and so she and her mate used Grape Jelly that night!

(My most dramatic sonogram)

Again, I was called in to do a pelvic and trans-vaginal study due to pain in the pelvis. She was a woman in her late twenties. Her boyfriend came with her to the room. The entire time I was beginning the study, the lady was complaining of her pain. She would not hold still so I could take pictures, but kept yelling,” It hurts! It hurts!” I responded that I was going as fast as I could go. Finally,she leaned over to me and grabbed my crotch while saying in a devilish voice,” I SAID I HURT!”

I came up on my toes, grabbed her hand and yelled, “LET GO! LET GO!” thus the boyfriend calmed her down, “Hon, you are going to need to let him go!” I got finished with her pelvic study and had to begin the trans-vaginal study.

As I got the condom put on the probe, the patient said,”Oh, look honey! He has a baby condom to put on it.” I said,”Baby? This is an original size condom.” She then said, “Well, it is not like my boyfriend is eleven inches and when he wears them, they are large.” This caused the boyfriend to state, ” I am only nine and a half, baby. Just nine and a half!”

When I finished the study, I told the radiologist what she did. So, when he went in to review my scan, he turned his body away from the patient while scanning. When he finished, the patient asked him what he thought was wrong. He named a few things, but the last thing he said was it could be a sexually transmitted disease and she might need antibiotics to heal the infection. The patient lifted her head up and said,”That is what it is. Every time we have sex, I get infections because he won’t get a shot!”

The doctor just turned around and left. I took them back to the emergency room and to her room. I said, “I hope you get better!” Then I tapped her boyfriend and said,”And you go get that shot!”

(Blog 62 more stories )